The Biggest Aspidistra In The World

For years we 'ad an Aspidistra in a flower pot,
On the Whatnot, near the 'at stand in the 'all.
It didn't seem to grow, till one day our Brother Joe,
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall.
So 'e crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree,
And 'e planted it against the garden wall. 
It shot up like a rocket till it nearly touched the sky
It's the biggest Aspidistra in the world.

We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomid big
It's the biggest Aspidistra in the world.
When father's 'ad a skinful at his pub the 'Bunch O Grapes'
He doesn't go all fighting mad, and getting into scrapes,
You'll find 'im in 'is bearskin playing 'Tarzan Of The Apes'
Up the biggest Aspidistra in the world.

We 'ave to get it watered by the local fire brigade,
So they've put the water rate up 'arf a crown.
The roots stop up the drains, grow along the country lanes
And they come up 'arf a mile outside the Town.
Once we 'ired the Crystal Palace for anot'ouse
But a jealous rival went and burned it down.
The Tom Cats and the Moggies love to spend their evenings out,
Up the biggest Aspidistra in the world. 

They all begin miaow'ing when the buds begin to sprout
From the biggest Aspidistra in the world.
The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see
They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee,
so I've 'ad to put a notice up to say ifs not a tree.
It's getting worn and weary and its leaves are turning grey,
its the oldest Aspidistra in the world.

So we water it with 'alf a pint of Guinness ev'ry day
It's the stoutest Aspidistra in the world.
The Borough Council told us that we've got to chop it down.
It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the Town
So we sold it to a woodyard for a lousy 'alf a crown
Its the biggest Aspidistra in the world. 

Circa 1928
Words and Music by Will E. Haines, Jimmy Harper and Tommy Connor